pastor maldonado

Formula One -Derland: Belgium 2013

by Jamie Sanford on August 27, 2013

Click here for all Formula One-related posts on JamieSanford.com.

Be sure to check the Formula One wiki for more complete results, or visit Planet F1.

Photos are from Planet F1 unless otherwise noted.

Formula One is back! I totally missed it during the summer break, and we start with a bang by going to Spa-Francorchamps, which is possibly the best track on the calendar. Last year’s race was very full of excitement (also disappointment based on who got knocked out during the start), so I was nervous for this weekend’s activities.

Fernando “Eyebrows” Alonso is looking rested, with a fresh eyebrow wax and luckily a shave.

Sebastian Vettel showed up with much blonder hair. There are lots of fun comments about this online.

Lewis Hamilton scored pole position again, meaning that Vettel has to wait a little longer before breaking another record. Mark Webber, who is just enjoying the hell out of himself during his last stint in Formula One, was pretty racy as well.

I didn’t recognize Kimi Räikkönen because he is SMILING in this picture. It’s like seeing a unicorn!

Hamilton managed a great start, but Vettel FLEW past him during the first lap, and never looked back. Damn it.

Paul di Resta had qualified SO well, and was doing well in the race, until Pastor “Crash” Maldonado hit him and sent his tire in a direction I didn’t realize was possible. I felt bad for Paul, and for myself, since his lack of finishing hurt my fantasy team points.

Vettel ended up winning the race, with Alonso in second and Hamilton in third.  Alonso started from P9 and had an amazing start, and performed AGAIN, even in a car that clearly doesn’t have the pace of the Red Bull driven by Vettel. Vettel now has quite a large point lead in the overall championship, so I’m hoping that the rest of the season is a bit more diverse in results, to keep it interesting.

Off to Italy in 2 weeks!

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Formula One -Derland: Monaco 2013

by Jamie Sanford on June 4, 2013

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Be sure to check the Formula One wiki for more complete results, or visit Planet F1. Photos from this post are from Planet F1.

Monaco

Fernando “Eyebrows” Alonso and Lewis Hamilton chatted before the race. I would love to know what they chat about.

Lewis also chatted with AdrianI Stabbed A GuySutil. This is particularly interesting because they used to be BFFs but after the stabbing incident, Lewis declined to testify and Sutil called him a coward. Drama!

Speaking of Lewis, this is his special helmet design for the Monaco race. That’s him with girlfriend Nicole Scherzinger, and his dog Roscoe.

In important fantasy news, I had chosen a bonus of “pole sitter” for this race, because I know that there is a way greater chance of the pole sitter winning the race in Monaco, because passing opportunities are at a minimum. It was a Mercedes front row, and although Hamilton tried his hardest to pass his teammate at the race start, Nico Rosberg kept this spot at the top.

My boy Fernando Alonso didn’t have the best day, having started in the 3rd row and finishing there too.

This race was full of accidents. There were 2 safety car periods and a full red-flagged stop. This is Pastor Maldonado‘s car and the pieces of it after he plowed into the barriers. Since this is a street race, the barriers are all temporary, and he managed to dislodge them in a BIG way.

The other participant in this accident was Jules Bianchi, who had a bent wing. I was surprised by this because we so often just see the front wings disintegrate into thousands of pieces upon impact.

Nico managed to hold the lead through the ENTIRE race, which gets trickier when any lead you might have developed shrinks to nothing behind the safety car.

…and Nico won the race! Behind him were the Red Bulls of Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber.

In addition to giving me tons of fantasy points, I’m happy for Nico. His father Keke won this race 30 years ago (before Nico was even born), and Nico lives in Monaco, so although he is German, this is really his home race. Congratulations Nico!

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Formula One -Derland: Australia & Malaysia 2013

by Jamie Sanford on April 16, 2013

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I totally fell off of my Formula One posts after Italy last year. I’m going to make it another goal to complete them all this year – to do so, I’m going to mostly stick to image commenting, and leave the real recaps up to the fine people that update the Formula One wiki.

Australia

All photos of the Australia race are from Planet F1. Go here to see their whole gallery and enjoy the site in general.

A new season starts with Sebastian “Team? What’s that mean?” Vettel on pole, which is standard. We did get our first glimpse of Lewis “Swag Party” Hamilton as a Mercedes driver, which I think now (a few races in), he sees as an amazing decision.

Last season troublemaker Pastor “Is Going To Run Into You” Maldonado crashed out, and called the car “undriveable.”

After a mostly unremarkable race, Kimi “Is Devoid of Emotion” Raikkonen won.

Final results were Raikkonen, Vettel, and my boy Fernando “Eyebrows” Alonso in third. Clearly Fernando had his eyebrows waxed before the grand prix.

I find it surprising that someone with such triumphant eyebrows has randomness in his facial hair. I’m sorry Fernando, I don’t think it is going to grow in.

Malaysia

All photos of the Malaysia race are from Planet F1. Go here to see their whole gallery and enjoy the site in general.

Yay! Fernando and his eyebrows celebrate his 200th race!

Fernando didn’t get too far in the race (and ruined my fantasy score) by making a really bad decision to not pit after a collision. His front wing was a mess, and soon after passing the pit entrance, it disintegrated in a spectacular fashion. Race over for Fernando.

“Oh, Jamie is going to be so pissed! I hope she forgives me.”

The race moves along well, and Mark “Who Has Absolutely No Luck” Webber is in the lead, with teammate Vettel behind him. They are both given the message to slow down, conserve fuel and tire life to get to the end of the race and earn valuable points for the team, but Vettel had other plans. In this photo, you see Vettel going around Webber, who eventually had to pull away to avoid a collision, leaving Vettel to win the race. (I have never been a big fan of Vettel, but his unsportsmanlike behavior is hideous. I’m even more grossed out by the fact that he keeps telling different versions of how he feels about the situation. Hey Sebastian – you were a douche, maybe better to not talk about it anymore.)

Webber then gives Vettel the finger, which is totally what I would have done. Where was the team radio transmission of what I am SURE was him screaming all sorts of WTF at the team?

Meanwhile, the 2 Mercedes teammates were also given orders to stay their positions and managed to do so without incident. Classy Lewis Hamilton ended up with the podium spot, and mentioned that he thought it should have been his teammate up there.

Ugh. I know that is your thing, but when you know you took the shitty road to get there, maybe try not to gloat about it?

Awkward.

So that’s all for this post. I’ll be back with comments and a bit of recap on China and Bahrain soon!

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Formula One -derland: Belgium and Italy

by Jamie Sanford on September 20, 2012

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After the brutally long break, which is just long enough to make me crazy, we got to start the season in Spa!

Belgium (Circuit de Spa-Francorchamps in Spa, Belgium)

(Photo from Planet F1 – check out their gallery here)

Way to restart the season with a big CF. (That’s clusterf*ck, if you didn’t know.) After all of the buildup and waiting during the break, Romain Grosjean of team Lotus went a little nuts during the start of the race and ended up causing a huge accident by first hitting Lewis Hamilton of McLaren Mercedes, who lost control and veered, and Grosjean’s car ended up flying over the front of Ferrari’s Fernando “Eyebrows” Alonso‘s car, which was really terrifying for everyone. The damage was a big hot mess, but luckily, everyone walked away without injury.

I’m having embedding issues but you can see a gif of the action from Alonso’s onboard camera here.

MEANWHILE, my boy Jenson Button of McLaren Mercedes had scored himself pole position, an amazing spot to be in when everything is hitting the fan behind you. The safety car was deployed for a few laps after the big crash on the first turn, and Jenson had maintained his position. Red Bull’s Sebastian Vettel avoided the melee and ended up moving into 2nd from 10th on the grid, Iceman Kimi Räikkönen was 3rd for Lotus, and making me more nervous than ever for Paul di Resta was Nico Hulkenberg, finishing 4th for Sahara Force India.

(Photo from Planet F1 – check out their gallery here)

Jenson celebrates with the team and his girlfriend Jessica Michibata, who is gorgeous, naturally. Lewis is actually half smiling in the back there, having maybe had some time to calm down from being screwed out of the race.

Italy (Autodromo Nazionale Monza in Monza, Italy)

Crazy Italian fan time!

(Photo from Planet F1 – check out their gallery here)

The Italians LOVE Formula One racing, but they love Ferrari even more. It is so enjoyable to see the fans watching, because they are not shy about their feelings and react aggressively to pretty much everything. I love fans in Monza, they make great TV.

The weekend looked really good for McLaren Mercedes with Lewis Hamilton on pole and Jenson Button right behind him. I love both British drivers, but have a bigger soft spot for Jenson and would have loved to seen him take back-to-back races after winning in Spa. Felipe “Felipe Baby” Massa qualified third, far ahead of his Ferrari teammate Eyebrows Alonso, who had a roll bar issue that put him in 10th at the start. I had high hopes too for Paul di Resta, who qualified 4th, with a grid drop to 9th because of a gearbox change. However, I was hoping the speed he demonstrated during qualifying would be helpful during the race. Meanwhile, Romain Grosjean was out on a suspension for casusing the big mess in Spa, and Pastor “Is Going To Run Into You” Maldonado of Williams (who I really hope are looking to get rid of him)was paying the price for douchiness with a 10-spot penalty for RUNNING INTO EVERYONE LIKE ALL OF THE TIME.

The race was lead almost entirely by Lewis Hamilton, who had a nice lead for the most part, even when Sergio “Checo” Perez (that’s his real nickname, I did not make that one up) of Sauber was surging ahead to catch him. Tragically, Jenson Button’s car died mid-race, and I literally had tears because I was so excited that he was going to score more points towards the championship. Naturally, Jenson got out of the car and waved to the Italian fans and was generally amazing and classy as usual. In other news, Eyebrows came from behind to wind up the race in 3rd, helped along by retirements of Jenson Button, and the 2 Red Bulls. Lewis Hamilton managed to hop over 2 drivers in the championship standings because they did not finish the race, and is now just behind Fernando Alonso.

(Photo from Planet F1 – check out their gallery here)

I was totally happy for Lewis, and definitely happy for the Italian fans who got to have at least one Ferrari driver on the podium.

Fernando stayed on the podium long after the ceremony was over, and randomly took a turn at running a TV camera. How can you say no to that bone structure and the eyebrows?

Singapore is this weekend. NIGHT RACE!

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Formula One -derland: Europe and Great Britain

by Jamie Sanford on September 8, 2012

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Valencia and Silverstone! I am so behind on Formula One posting.

Europe (Valencia, Spain)

Spain was exciting because it was getting to the point where SOMEONE had to be the second to win more than one race in a season. Fernando “Eyebrows” Alonso was hoping for a chance to win or at least end up on the podium at his home race, but ended up starting 11th after qualifying. I was feeling like we would see Sebastian Vettel pick up the win as he was starting from pole, but the race went a different way.

(Photos from Planet F1 – click for their full gallery)

So Vettel got off to a good start, as is normal for him, and looked to be building himself quite a lead. However, the safety car was determined to rain all over his parade. Meanwhile, Eyebrows had worked his way up from 11th and was in 3rd when the race restarted post-safety car deployment. Fernando moved into second over Romain Grosjean, and then in lap 33, Vettel’s car just seemed to shut off. (This happened to me once, it was the timing belt. Do Formula One cars even have those?) He was CLEARLY pissed, and stomped off to pout about it. Meanwhile, Eyebrows Alonso was fast on his way to winning his second race in 2012. Meanwhile, Lewis Hamilton and Iceman Kimi Räikkönen were battling for 2nd. Kimi managed to pass Lewis, and soon enough, Master D-Bag Pastor Maldonado managed to catch up with Lewis and pull a dick move that ruined his own race and ended Lewis’. Pastor finished 10th, but was downgraded to 12th after a 20-second penalty was applied for causing a collision. Keeping cool throughout the drama, Michael Schumacher ended up finishing 3rd, his first podium since 2006.

(Photos from Planet F1 – click for their full gallery)

Fernando knows which way to point the champagne.

Great Britain (Silverstone)

This race was not too long before the Olympics. I guess England decided to just get all of the rain of the year out of the way in a few weeks time, because it was hella rainy, and watching Friday practice was a joke. Even after the track dried, everything else was still a soggy mess. Like the grass.

(Photos from Planet F1 – click for their full gallery)

The race started without much drama, save for that with Paul di Resta, who suffered a rear puncture so early on that he retired after finally making it back around to the pits. Fernando Alonso held on to the lead for the majority of the race, until eventually being caught by Mark Webber, on a different tire strategy. Alonso did not put up much of a fight as he seemed to know it was a lost cause, but managed to retain 2nd place over Sebastian Vettel who finished 3rd. Pastor Maldonado ended up shooting himself in the foot again by colliding with Sergio Perez, causing Perez to have to retire, and left Maldonado well out of the points in 16th. Maldonado was fined 10,000 Euros for causing the accident with Perez. Ass.

(Photos from Planet F1 – click for their full gallery)

This happened on the podium. Lots of win for Mark Webber.

Next up, Germany and Hungary.

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